Frequently asked questions

How do I explain death to kids?

• Keep the explanation simple.
• Be prepared for the child to ask the same questions more than once.
• Use the word death or dead instead of sleeping, or gone. '
• Use words that are age appropriate, ones a child will understand based on their age.
• Use comparisons that children will understand. For example - things to describe the body vs. soul concept.
• Sit at or below their eye level.
• Tell them how you are doing and feeling instead of just asking how they are doing. This may open the door to talk to you. Even if they choose not to talk, realize you may have returned their feelings to normal.
• Encourage them to ask questions.
• Remember that children's vocabularies often grow faster than their meanings are able to keep up. Be aware that the words your child is using may have different meanings than they do to you. Explore the words by asking additional questions.
• The best way to take care of your child is to take care of yourself. Often times parents neglect themselves making sure their child is OK first.

What are the chances of another infant death?

The chances of having another infant die due to SIDS is slightly higher than those families who have not had a previous child die of that diagnosis. The chance of having another infant die of a congenital anomaly depends on the anomaly and needs to be discussed with your physician.

Can I love a new baby as I loved the first one?

This is a common question. The answer is YES, love is an extraordinary thing. You love the individual qualities of each child, which will be different with each child.

How long will grief take?

Unfortunately there is no specific time that grief will take. You will notice an improvement in periods of crying and anger over time. A person never will "get over it" but rather will learn better ways to cope. There will be "good days and bad days." But if you do not feel as though things are getting better, it is a good idea to seek out professional help.

You will notice the distance between the really hard days to start to grow. Remember that the intensity can stay the same giving you the feeling that you are starting over again. This is part of the process and is normal. Parents also revisit their grief at different times in their life. They may feel the grief when their child "should" have been in line for the school bus, or "should" have graduated from high school. Families also tell us that you never "forget" but things do get better.

Why?

Why is a question everyone struggles with. This question also may cause feelings of guilt. You may feel that if you can find the answer, you can change what has happened. This question seems to demand an answer so that you can make sure it won't happen again.

Why me?

This is another question everyone deals with. Sometimes, people view the death as a punishment for something they did in the past. Some people may feel anger over this question when they feel they were selected to have this happen for whatever reason they come up with. Watching the news and hearing some of the horrible stories can make you compare yourself to the news situation and feel as though you were cheated. Getting together with other "nice people" this has happened to, can allay some of these feelings - finding out that it does indeed happen to nice people.

What can I do for special days/holidays to remember my child?

Most find the special day goes easier and with less anxiety if their child is included in the special day (if something doesn't work try something else - remembering your child is the important part.

Birthdays:

• Give a birthday present to the charity of your choice.
• Visit family and friends, bring pictures of your child and share memories.
• Spend some quiet time at home and watch your child's video, look at pictures or even invite some close family or friend over to share that time with.
• Do a craft project, make something to remember your child by. Share craft time with another child.
• Have a birthday party. Invite family and friends, just like you would if he/she were here.
• Visit the gravesite and bring anyone who wishes to go. Have a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday.

Christmas:

• Write happy memories and put them in a stocking to be read when your family celebrates the holiday.
• Buy gifts that you would have bought for your child and then give them to a charity.
• Make or buy a Christmas tree ornament and hang on your tree. You could make or buy one special ornament or a new one every year. Make it into a tradition to hang on tree, sing a song, light a candle, say their name out loud or hang the ornament in the same spot on the tree every year.
• Do what you feel you have the energy to do.
• Decorate the gravesite, blankets of evergreen branches, wreaths, small trees, and lights. (Check with the guidelines of your local cemetery, and make sure that you don't put anything out that you wouldn't want stolen.)

Halloween:

• Talk about what you may have dressed him or her up as.
• Take out a relative's child, neighbor or child less fortunate.
• Decorate your home with a child's Halloween item.
• Bake cupcakes and give to relatives or friends.
• Decorate the grave site with a Halloween theme.

Valentine's Day:

• Decorate gravesite with Valentine's theme.
• Send childlike valentine cards out.
• Visit with friends.

Anniversaries of Death:

• Visit with family and friends.
• Have a remembrance ceremony, at home, church, school, or somewhere special. Have everyone light a candle, sing a song, say a prayer or read some poetry.
• Have a party to celebrate the life that was shared, no matter how short it may have been.

How can I remember a family member's child or a friend's child during significant holidays?

The most important thing to do is to acknowledge their child. As time goes on, families relate that fewer people acknowledge their child. Send a card, give them a call or visit. Anything that shows you remember.