How children view death

Children of all ages are affected differently by a "significant" death. This ranges from the newborn's reaction to the emotional or physical change in the caregiver to the teenagers confused attempt to make sense out of their world.

The operative word describing children's grief is change - whether positive or negative. The "C" student becoming an "A" student is looking for as much help as the student whose grades drop.
Below are highlighted ages with corresponding cognitive patterns. Also listed are suggestions for helping your child. Seek help if you feel your child's behavior warrants professional attention.

Newborn to age 3

• Senses that something has happened in the family.
• Realizes that people often are crying and sad.
• Notices that there is much activity in the household.

Tips

• Be sensitive to the child's needs.
• Try to maintain consistency with routines.
• Maintain consistency with significant people in the child's life.
  

Ages 3 to 6

• Does not have a concept of the finality of death (believes that the person will return and will continually ask when the person will return).
• Believes in magical thinking (child feels he or she was responsible for the death).
• May believe that everyone else he or she loves also will die.

Tips

• Emphasize to the child that he or she was not responsible for the death.
• Reinforce that when people are sad they cry (crying is normal and natural).
• Encourage the child to draw pictures of his or her feelings or talk about his or her feelings.

Ages 6 to 9

• Understands the finality of death.
• Seeks out detailed explanations for the death.
• Is afraid other significant people in their lives may die as well.
• Is uncomfortable expressing feelings (may act silly or embarrassed when talking about death).
  

Tips

• Talk about the normal feelings of anger, sadness and guilt.
• Explain the difference between a fatal illness from "just being sick."
• Share your own feelings about death. Do not be afraid to cry in front of the child, this gives him or her permission to express their feelings.

Ages 9 to 12

• Is aware of the finality of death.
• Is concerned with practical matters affecting the child's lifestyle.
• Wants to know all the details surrounding the death.
• Tries to "act like an adult", but then shows regression to an earlier stage of emotional response.
  

Tips

• Set aside time to talk about feelings.
• Encourage sharing of memories to facilitate grief response.

Ages 12 and up

• Has separation issues - defining self apart from family.
• Is aware of the finality of death.
• Seeks support from peers.
• Struggles to understand death as well as their own mortality.

Tips

• Parental advice and role modeling are important.
• Provide books to help them though the tough times.
• Use teachers, counselors and support groups.
• Encourage journal writing.
• Encourage friendships that are healthy.

< Back